What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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