if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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