I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
