bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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