why im i the only drunk person in the library?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
