Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
