Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
