I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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