Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
