We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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