My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
