Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
