Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
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