I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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