the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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