No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Enjoy the penises
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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