Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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