you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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