Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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