Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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