Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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