omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
