So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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