There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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