I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
