I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
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I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
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I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize