I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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