if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
