I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
