Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
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