every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
vagina is talking i cant
This gyro tastes like lonliness
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
