some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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