Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
