Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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