You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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