i barfeds in our rink
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
