You're my little dorito
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
