i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
