So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
The Olympian is in my bed
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