Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
