the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just want nice things and good sex
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
