halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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