you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
