dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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