if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
