if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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