I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Come see our sink grown plant.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
