I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
