I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
