when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
