no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
