My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
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So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
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No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.