No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
