i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
