My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Randomize
