no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize