when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
