Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
