sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
