I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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