you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
